Don't Blink..

20 years gone...half of it, i feel, i dont even remember...gone by so fast, i didnt even have time to sit back and suck it all in.
I want to take all that God puts in front of me to the fullest and use it with all of the abilities He has given me. Everyday is just another stepping stone that He has put out in front me. From now on I'm going to take a step forward onto that stone, that next day, week, month, year, of my life and take a deep breath, Look around, observe what is around me, pick a flower, maybe even lay in the grass and just listen to the sounds of the earth around me, watch the clouds go by so far above me, see a rainbow form right in front of my eyes as the rain shower bursts through the sun filled sky ill think of my Kaity A., the rainbow just for me from her and just thank God for my life and all thats in it. I want to take in everything that God wants to show me before i take the step onto the next stone. I want to remember and learn from life. I want to enjoy and savor all that God has in store for me. I dont want to take any of it for granted...I am not perfect, but i want to try my hardest to live God's will and walk along the path He has laid down before me.
It all starts right now...Don't Blink...or you'll miss it all

mellow yellow

i feel like i should write something..but i think there is too much in my head and i cant get it in order to make into sentences to write in this blog...lets try anyways...

anyways im painting my room yellow...well i want to...and im trying to find some cool curtains...maybe black and grey plaid...maybe a little light blue in there somewhere. i jsut want it to be done...so i can have my own space...that i can actually be in.. lol..i can see it in my head...the finished product..but its taking so long to do...ugg...
i wish i had something really cool and insightful to say...i guess im not so good with words...:/ wish i were....

do you ever feel like you want to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time?...
maybe that makes no sense but i really feel that way. like i want to do so many things over the coarse of my life..but i dont really like being alone...well sometimes i do..i dunno..i have more fun with others...but anyways..im sitting here on the couch and all i can think about is...nothing...like literally nothingness....like how horrible is that...? i want to go...but i dont know where i want to go...or what i want to do when i get there...but i just want to go...maybe i like the idea of the new...liek the place...that would be new to explore with ones you love and care about...

i realized i really highly dislike seeing people from high school that you never talk to anymore but used to be like really good friends with..AWKWARD!!...ug its like thhhheee worst. like after the small talk what the heck to you say?...i mena i know im not just gunna spill my whole life story to them...and i know they arnt to me..its just so uncomfortable...ew...def one of the worst situations ever...

well ive just been feeling really low key kinda mellow laid back lately...im kinda scared to ask anyone to do anything...kinda afraid they will get angry or hate my idea of fun...im being ridiculous most likely..but i feel that way sometimes...:/ so im kinda staying to myself...but im not so sure if thats a good thing or not...

you all may think im crazy after this one...but im sure someone thinks somethings similarly to myself...i just posted it for all the world to see...maybe i am crazy! lol ah

...everyone wants to be loved...
...but only One can ever fill that want and need...

Change is good??

Ok so...i dont usually blog things im feeling...but a really great friend of mine said i should try it out...;)...so here it goes...Lets start with a little story time and ill take you back a lil...

about two years ago...i graduated highschool...and headed off to college in NY State - SUNY College at Oneonta....small school...two main groups...the fashion/sorority/fraternity guys and girls and the music people....then there were some random groups here and there who did there own thing...but anyways...I joined the swim team...p.s. HATED it there before swim season started....went home almost every weekend...cried on the phone to my mom...and im not even that emotional..dont cry too much. anyways...swim season started and there is was...it all clicked the reason i was there. i love the sport...i felt like a part of something big...we all became so close..a family...and my Coach...the most amazing woman besides my mom of coarse.
before i knew it...my freshman year of college was coming to a close...and the thought of transfereing elsewhere came to mind...but i didnt have any idea where..and i didnt want to leave my team behind...then while i was home for the last break of the semester before finals...my worst nightmare became a reality...on April 7, 2007 my sister Kaity passed away suddenly without warning while she was at school, at Rutgers. Lets just stop that part of the story there maybe i will share more later...
lately...a little over a year later...i still cant believe it sometimes...change is so hard...
My best friend Annebelle jsut moved to Costa Rica in January...i have seen her once since then and talked to her on the phone only a few times....this past year has been so up and down and i feel like ive been just spinning forever...
(sorry that was a little detour) Anyways...i went to Oneonta for the Fall semester of 2007. I couldnt focus on work...didnt want to really do anything...I was recently saved and given my life to Jesus Christ and i jsut didnt feel like going to this school was Gods path for me. it didnt feel right...i couldnt see a future...i couldnt see myself doing anything at all...so i decided to transfer schools and God led me to Liberty University...where i met some of the most amazing people in my life right now. Justin, James, Kelly, Lauren...to name a few. and one of my best friends i have known since middle school, Perry, goes to Liberty as well...he made the transition so amazing and easy...it was only my first semester and i felt right at home..it took a little getting used to and learning to deal with the crazy rules...but its so worth it. God is so amazing how he shows you the path he wants you to take. Ive learned so much about Him and myself in about 5 months...its mind boggling to me.
but the semester had to come at some point....tear...James and Justin went back to WV, Perry and i to good ol New Jersey...(Sidenote: i miss you guys soooo much....i feel really ridiculous saying...i miss you so much it hurts sometimes..but yanno what...go ahead and make fun...lol...you guys are definitly one of the best things God has put in front of me. i hope you know that and never forget it.) After coming home suddenly i feel...not soo much lost....but really numb. Although....i have one the most amazing friends, Becky, who has been there for me always and she is so amazing to tlak to and her family...wow i dont know what i would do without her... but i still cant shake this empty feeling...I cant seem to be excited about things i used to be...i was in church sunday and i just felt so disconnected and it really made me upset...because i never want to put God aside, and be disinterested in Him...its jsut so many changes at once...and my heart needs to catch up...
i used to talk to my sister about everything...we would stay up late and talk for hours about everything and nothing at all..i guess that is the biggest change...and i guess i keep a lot inside now that i dont really have anyone to share it with...i hope maybe this writing stuff down will help...
sorry this is soo long...but thanks for listening...
With Love
Lulu