Ok...so i got home for thanksgiving break yesterday night at around 6:15. It was a looooong drive but it snowed 30 mins after i got into pennsy!! it was amaaazing! i looove the snow..i dont even mind driving in it...haha im a tard...i know...but it snowed pretty much for like an hour and a half...and it was comin down pretty good!....it was the highlight of my drive...ohhh and the UNhighlight of my drive was..well i stopped at a gas station like and hour outside of Lynchburg cause i went to see my looooove J. Davis! and i didnt go back through Lynchburg to get gas...alrigh anyways...i digress sometimes...by b!.
ok so i stop at a shell..yay shell!...well i think it was a shell maybe not...but thats not the point...anyways..i pull in and the first two pumps are sold out of 87 so i pull around to face an suv thing with some guys in it...im not really paying much attention to them. So i put on my monkey slippers (yes that JUST happened) and i get out of the car to get some fuel, Alice was a lil parched. Soooo i pump pump it up!...and it was like 8.50 to fill from like a little more than a 1/4 of a tank...gas is cheeper in Va so i thought id fill er up while i was there...anywho...im still not paying any atention to the guys in the suv....i pay and get back in the car im putting my card away and i look up and the suv is leaving past my driverside window. i think nothing of it and look out my window just to be friendly and smile at the nice men....NOOOOOO big mistake...umm sooo these were creeeeepy hunter hick dudes...and they we ALLLL staring at me...no joke there were like 6 om them in there alll staring at me with their bright orange hats and camo jackets on...and i think one was missing some teeth...it was a little strange but i was liek alright i mean i guess im jsut not used to the hunter types...and then ANOTHER BAD IDEA!! i glance up...and there are 5....not kidding 5...dead deer on the roof...jsut strapped in...no tarp or anything over them...out and proud for the world to see.. and of course i have to look up and they are ALL STARING AT ME!!! (the deer i mean...well and the guys) but the dead deer all had their eyes open and their tongues stickin out...and i dunno if they were roadkill ones cause they were pretty bloody now that i think about it...oh wow! that was intense...dang ...i mean poor Alice has been scared enough by deer...poor thing has to stare right at them buggers. well thats my interesting story from my driv home! lol.
i was gunna write how happy i am to be home but this felt more exciting to write about at the moment...cause i jsut needed to share lol. But i LOVE my house and you never realize how grateful you are to come HOME till you have been far away ffrom home in an apartment containing the Civil War in the refirgerator. its jsut great...and i LVOE my friends i came home last night and they came to sleep over and i love them sooo much. we havnt seen eachother in MONTHS and it was jsut liek we never left eachother...oh man they make me so happy and they are amazing to talk to and they give amazing advice! uhhh i cant even love on them enough they are a blessing from God...no joke..i dont know what i would be if they hadnt been in my life...wow. anyways its getting late and this is getting supppper long! but HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!! :) Goble Gobble! <3
LuLu out
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
One is the lonliest number
ok so...these past few weeks have been kinda hard for me...There have been a lot of changes in my life and I feel a little lost. I feel like i have lost my best friend at school, not really lost as a friend but as a best friend. Its hard for me to lose that type of friendship so fast. i feel like everyone has someone to go to except for me. yes i have a good amount of friends, but not that one freind that you always call and can count on to be there to just sit on the couch with, or do nothing at all... jsut enjoying eachothers company. The one friend that you dont even have to think to hang out with them..it just happens. Its hard when your best friend is a million miles away. I feel really alone and i dont like it one little bit. I know that things change in life...but its really strange and unfamiliar to me.
Also, i have been missing my sister a lot the past couple weeks. Everytime i see a family or someone talks about their brother or sister i get really sad, kinda jealous actually, just thinking that my sister isnt here anymore. I think of growing older and her not being around. I always think about what my mom told us when we were younger and we would fight..."When you grow up, all you will have in the world is eachother, so make sure you stay close." Now i dont have a sister to stay close with. So now i will have no one. How depressing is that! It is really hard for me to see my future without her in it. I still think about being married and having kids and she is still in it and its really wierd. but i still cant let it go. I dont know why. Maybe its cause i never really got to say goodbye to her. Never got to tell her that i love her one last time. I try to be strong in fron of others but deep inside i am not strong at all.
I think its really ahrd for me to let God into my heart too because of this. There is a part of me that is all bottled up, guarded from everything else, so as to not show weakness to others, as well as God. I need to find a way to let that wall down, because i want to let God in, He is the only one who can heal me. He is the only one who can fill the hole that is left. But He cant do that unless i let Him.
p.s. its sooooo flippen hot in my apartment....my roomate has the heat on 80 degrees! seriously?! ugg
Also, i have been missing my sister a lot the past couple weeks. Everytime i see a family or someone talks about their brother or sister i get really sad, kinda jealous actually, just thinking that my sister isnt here anymore. I think of growing older and her not being around. I always think about what my mom told us when we were younger and we would fight..."When you grow up, all you will have in the world is eachother, so make sure you stay close." Now i dont have a sister to stay close with. So now i will have no one. How depressing is that! It is really hard for me to see my future without her in it. I still think about being married and having kids and she is still in it and its really wierd. but i still cant let it go. I dont know why. Maybe its cause i never really got to say goodbye to her. Never got to tell her that i love her one last time. I try to be strong in fron of others but deep inside i am not strong at all.
I think its really ahrd for me to let God into my heart too because of this. There is a part of me that is all bottled up, guarded from everything else, so as to not show weakness to others, as well as God. I need to find a way to let that wall down, because i want to let God in, He is the only one who can heal me. He is the only one who can fill the hole that is left. But He cant do that unless i let Him.
p.s. its sooooo flippen hot in my apartment....my roomate has the heat on 80 degrees! seriously?! ugg
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Where you go...I will follow
Ok so i have piano class once a week and every week Dr. Suttles reads us a devotion for the day. I really love it. So today he talked about loving God. Like really loving him in all aspects of life. He used the example of him and his wife. He said...I love my wife very much. We dont talk alot and when we do its because i need something, but i love my wife so much. When im not around her i dont really miss her, but i love her. When i am out with the guys i talk about her to them, but i love her. When i come home from work i am not excited to see her when i get home, but i love my wife.
then he said...does it sound like i love my wife, do you believe me?
Its the same as loving God. A lot of people say they do but they dont miss Him when they dont ahve time with Him, they love Him but they dont talk to Him unless they need something from Him. This really hit me hard today and made me think. I do love God and i know He loves me! It is very hard for me to find quiet time to spend with him. I know that is no excuse and i need to try harder. I try to relate it to seeing my friends. Like when i go a day or two with out seeing my best friends i feel like im missing something. I want to feel that way when i miss a day with God and that is how it should be. It upsets me because Im not really sure how to feel that way about someone, God, who I cannot see or touch, and i know He talks to me, but it is not in the way people talk to me. Which is really amazing how He can talk to us without words at all, but i think that is why i have trouble embracing having quiet time with God. Like i know hes always there and around me, but i...i dunno what im trying to say haha. But yeah.
anyways that was one thought from the day...second...was that i was reading an article for my GNED class...it was on realtionships. and the author had a quote from a guy who wrote the book, 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye.' the quote is....
"Like a fruit picked green or a flower plucked before it blossoms, our attempts to rush God's timing can spoil the beauty of His plan for our lives."
i am having a little time with getting ahead of myself. I need to try and stay more in the present and listen to what God is telling me and follow Him. I keep thinking about the future and what is to happen and what i want to do with my life...Have you ever had the feeling that you want to do so many things before you leave this earth and you might not have enough time to do them all in?....ok well i get that feeling probably every day. Just thought i would share.
well other than running all over lynchburg to pay my rent today was a pretty great day. God is so good. Its time for sleep...YAY!
then he said...does it sound like i love my wife, do you believe me?
Its the same as loving God. A lot of people say they do but they dont miss Him when they dont ahve time with Him, they love Him but they dont talk to Him unless they need something from Him. This really hit me hard today and made me think. I do love God and i know He loves me! It is very hard for me to find quiet time to spend with him. I know that is no excuse and i need to try harder. I try to relate it to seeing my friends. Like when i go a day or two with out seeing my best friends i feel like im missing something. I want to feel that way when i miss a day with God and that is how it should be. It upsets me because Im not really sure how to feel that way about someone, God, who I cannot see or touch, and i know He talks to me, but it is not in the way people talk to me. Which is really amazing how He can talk to us without words at all, but i think that is why i have trouble embracing having quiet time with God. Like i know hes always there and around me, but i...i dunno what im trying to say haha. But yeah.
anyways that was one thought from the day...second...was that i was reading an article for my GNED class...it was on realtionships. and the author had a quote from a guy who wrote the book, 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye.' the quote is....
"Like a fruit picked green or a flower plucked before it blossoms, our attempts to rush God's timing can spoil the beauty of His plan for our lives."
i am having a little time with getting ahead of myself. I need to try and stay more in the present and listen to what God is telling me and follow Him. I keep thinking about the future and what is to happen and what i want to do with my life...Have you ever had the feeling that you want to do so many things before you leave this earth and you might not have enough time to do them all in?....ok well i get that feeling probably every day. Just thought i would share.
well other than running all over lynchburg to pay my rent today was a pretty great day. God is so good. Its time for sleep...YAY!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Is there always a Silver Lining?
I don't understand....there are three kids...most people would call two of them "young adults" but they are still kids. They depend on their parents, they shouldn't have to worry about finances and house payments and taking care of their little brother like a mother would. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose both of my parents in a tragic accident. What the heck are you supposed to do after that?! there is no speedy recovery. There is no one there to look after you, for you to ask for advice. Your father isnt there to walk you down the isle or be grandparents to your children. You never think it can happen to you, you never think it will happen to people you know. You dont realize how horrible it actually is until you are there sitting on the couch with their daughter and shes telling you that this 22 year old kid just didnt LOOK!. its THAT simple! you roll through a stop sign without looking! How easy it is to take three childrens parents away forever. do end their lives as they know it. To cause them so much grief and difficulty. I dont even know what else to say. I jsut needed to write something. the only other time i have felt so much pain in my heart is when my own sister died. And these arnt even my parents. Just Imagine how these kids feel! Can you? Can you really? I really dont think you can. I want to know why, Why would God take them like this. So much pain. I know there has to be some kind of good to come of this. but i cant see the silver lining yet. where is it God? please reveal it to those kids! They need ANYTHING to keep them going.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Time Flies
Today i went into Philly for work to promote Rev Gen at the colleges, Community College of Philly, Ai Of Philly, Drexel, and University of the Arts. One of my best friends, Paul, hes liek my brother. He goes to school at the Ai Of Philly and i havnt seen him in liek a year, wow...has it really been that long?...thats so crazy. It got me thinking about how much has changed over the past couple years. Going to college, new friends, new experiences, friends getting married, friends moving away. Soo many things. I just really miss a lot of my old times and my old experiences, my old friends. even people from my old College. I really miss my best friend Brett. A lot..we used to jsut talk about anything and everything, didnt really matter what it was. I miss that, and i havnt talked to him in so long, it hurts me. I really wish change didn't hurt so much. I jsut pray that God will give me strength to overcome this grief i feel about the past because it is the past, its over there is no turning back..all i can do now is take it as it comes and i need to make new experiences with new friends and with old when i can, i just pray for God to speak to them as well so they will have a fulfilling life with much happiness.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Claritin Clear?...
Im feeling a little foggy, hazzy lately. i need some Claritin...i want to be Claritin Clear!! lol....But anyways...i just feel like im going through the motions...kinda lost as to what i am to do with my life....i know that God will show me when its time, but its so hard to be patient and wait for His call....i dont want to feel blah anymore...i dont know if its because i just really miss my sister...everyday..and i really dont have anyone to talk to about it....its hard to keep these feelings inside...i do it with a lot of other things...but this is so different and i think its making me feel a little down in the dumps..:/ but i know it will pick up and i can always turn to God in times of need. I just wish she were here....i keep having this thought about being happy...and if i will ever truely have happiness....i really hope so and i pray about it all the time and i know God will bring me happiness. its just a matter of patience...and sometimes i need to have a little more with God cause he only brings things to us when they are right and we are ready for them. I jsut pray for the groggy to end....bring on the CLARITIN!!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Don't Blink..
20 years gone...half of it, i feel, i dont even remember...gone by so fast, i didnt even have time to sit back and suck it all in.
I want to take all that God puts in front of me to the fullest and use it with all of the abilities He has given me. Everyday is just another stepping stone that He has put out in front me. From now on I'm going to take a step forward onto that stone, that next day, week, month, year, of my life and take a deep breath, Look around, observe what is around me, pick a flower, maybe even lay in the grass and just listen to the sounds of the earth around me, watch the clouds go by so far above me, see a rainbow form right in front of my eyes as the rain shower bursts through the sun filled sky ill think of my Kaity A., the rainbow just for me from her and just thank God for my life and all thats in it. I want to take in everything that God wants to show me before i take the step onto the next stone. I want to remember and learn from life. I want to enjoy and savor all that God has in store for me. I dont want to take any of it for granted...I am not perfect, but i want to try my hardest to live God's will and walk along the path He has laid down before me.
It all starts right now...Don't Blink...or you'll miss it all
I want to take all that God puts in front of me to the fullest and use it with all of the abilities He has given me. Everyday is just another stepping stone that He has put out in front me. From now on I'm going to take a step forward onto that stone, that next day, week, month, year, of my life and take a deep breath, Look around, observe what is around me, pick a flower, maybe even lay in the grass and just listen to the sounds of the earth around me, watch the clouds go by so far above me, see a rainbow form right in front of my eyes as the rain shower bursts through the sun filled sky ill think of my Kaity A., the rainbow just for me from her and just thank God for my life and all thats in it. I want to take in everything that God wants to show me before i take the step onto the next stone. I want to remember and learn from life. I want to enjoy and savor all that God has in store for me. I dont want to take any of it for granted...I am not perfect, but i want to try my hardest to live God's will and walk along the path He has laid down before me.
It all starts right now...Don't Blink...or you'll miss it all
Thursday, May 22, 2008
mellow yellow
i feel like i should write something..but i think there is too much in my head and i cant get it in order to make into sentences to write in this blog...lets try anyways...
anyways im painting my room yellow...well i want to...and im trying to find some cool curtains...maybe black and grey plaid...maybe a little light blue in there somewhere. i jsut want it to be done...so i can have my own space...that i can actually be in.. lol..i can see it in my head...the finished product..but its taking so long to do...ugg...
i wish i had something really cool and insightful to say...i guess im not so good with words...:/ wish i were....
do you ever feel like you want to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time?...
maybe that makes no sense but i really feel that way. like i want to do so many things over the coarse of my life..but i dont really like being alone...well sometimes i do..i dunno..i have more fun with others...but anyways..im sitting here on the couch and all i can think about is...nothing...like literally nothingness....like how horrible is that...? i want to go...but i dont know where i want to go...or what i want to do when i get there...but i just want to go...maybe i like the idea of the new...liek the place...that would be new to explore with ones you love and care about...
i realized i really highly dislike seeing people from high school that you never talk to anymore but used to be like really good friends with..AWKWARD!!...ug its like thhhheee worst. like after the small talk what the heck to you say?...i mena i know im not just gunna spill my whole life story to them...and i know they arnt to me..its just so uncomfortable...ew...def one of the worst situations ever...
well ive just been feeling really low key kinda mellow laid back lately...im kinda scared to ask anyone to do anything...kinda afraid they will get angry or hate my idea of fun...im being ridiculous most likely..but i feel that way sometimes...:/ so im kinda staying to myself...but im not so sure if thats a good thing or not...
you all may think im crazy after this one...but im sure someone thinks somethings similarly to myself...i just posted it for all the world to see...maybe i am crazy! lol ah
...everyone wants to be loved...
...but only One can ever fill that want and need...
anyways im painting my room yellow...well i want to...and im trying to find some cool curtains...maybe black and grey plaid...maybe a little light blue in there somewhere. i jsut want it to be done...so i can have my own space...that i can actually be in.. lol..i can see it in my head...the finished product..but its taking so long to do...ugg...
i wish i had something really cool and insightful to say...i guess im not so good with words...:/ wish i were....
do you ever feel like you want to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time?...
maybe that makes no sense but i really feel that way. like i want to do so many things over the coarse of my life..but i dont really like being alone...well sometimes i do..i dunno..i have more fun with others...but anyways..im sitting here on the couch and all i can think about is...nothing...like literally nothingness....like how horrible is that...? i want to go...but i dont know where i want to go...or what i want to do when i get there...but i just want to go...maybe i like the idea of the new...liek the place...that would be new to explore with ones you love and care about...
i realized i really highly dislike seeing people from high school that you never talk to anymore but used to be like really good friends with..AWKWARD!!...ug its like thhhheee worst. like after the small talk what the heck to you say?...i mena i know im not just gunna spill my whole life story to them...and i know they arnt to me..its just so uncomfortable...ew...def one of the worst situations ever...
well ive just been feeling really low key kinda mellow laid back lately...im kinda scared to ask anyone to do anything...kinda afraid they will get angry or hate my idea of fun...im being ridiculous most likely..but i feel that way sometimes...:/ so im kinda staying to myself...but im not so sure if thats a good thing or not...
you all may think im crazy after this one...but im sure someone thinks somethings similarly to myself...i just posted it for all the world to see...maybe i am crazy! lol ah
...everyone wants to be loved...
...but only One can ever fill that want and need...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Change is good??
Ok so...i dont usually blog things im feeling...but a really great friend of mine said i should try it out...;)...so here it goes...Lets start with a little story time and ill take you back a lil...
about two years ago...i graduated highschool...and headed off to college in NY State - SUNY College at Oneonta....small school...two main groups...the fashion/sorority/fraternity guys and girls and the music people....then there were some random groups here and there who did there own thing...but anyways...I joined the swim team...p.s. HATED it there before swim season started....went home almost every weekend...cried on the phone to my mom...and im not even that emotional..dont cry too much. anyways...swim season started and there is was...it all clicked the reason i was there. i love the sport...i felt like a part of something big...we all became so close..a family...and my Coach...the most amazing woman besides my mom of coarse.
before i knew it...my freshman year of college was coming to a close...and the thought of transfereing elsewhere came to mind...but i didnt have any idea where..and i didnt want to leave my team behind...then while i was home for the last break of the semester before finals...my worst nightmare became a reality...on April 7, 2007 my sister Kaity passed away suddenly without warning while she was at school, at Rutgers. Lets just stop that part of the story there maybe i will share more later...
lately...a little over a year later...i still cant believe it sometimes...change is so hard...
My best friend Annebelle jsut moved to Costa Rica in January...i have seen her once since then and talked to her on the phone only a few times....this past year has been so up and down and i feel like ive been just spinning forever...
(sorry that was a little detour) Anyways...i went to Oneonta for the Fall semester of 2007. I couldnt focus on work...didnt want to really do anything...I was recently saved and given my life to Jesus Christ and i jsut didnt feel like going to this school was Gods path for me. it didnt feel right...i couldnt see a future...i couldnt see myself doing anything at all...so i decided to transfer schools and God led me to Liberty University...where i met some of the most amazing people in my life right now. Justin, James, Kelly, Lauren...to name a few. and one of my best friends i have known since middle school, Perry, goes to Liberty as well...he made the transition so amazing and easy...it was only my first semester and i felt right at home..it took a little getting used to and learning to deal with the crazy rules...but its so worth it. God is so amazing how he shows you the path he wants you to take. Ive learned so much about Him and myself in about 5 months...its mind boggling to me.
but the semester had to come at some point....tear...James and Justin went back to WV, Perry and i to good ol New Jersey...(Sidenote: i miss you guys soooo much....i feel really ridiculous saying...i miss you so much it hurts sometimes..but yanno what...go ahead and make fun...lol...you guys are definitly one of the best things God has put in front of me. i hope you know that and never forget it.) After coming home suddenly i feel...not soo much lost....but really numb. Although....i have one the most amazing friends, Becky, who has been there for me always and she is so amazing to tlak to and her family...wow i dont know what i would do without her... but i still cant shake this empty feeling...I cant seem to be excited about things i used to be...i was in church sunday and i just felt so disconnected and it really made me upset...because i never want to put God aside, and be disinterested in Him...its jsut so many changes at once...and my heart needs to catch up...
i used to talk to my sister about everything...we would stay up late and talk for hours about everything and nothing at all..i guess that is the biggest change...and i guess i keep a lot inside now that i dont really have anyone to share it with...i hope maybe this writing stuff down will help...
sorry this is soo long...but thanks for listening...
With Love
Lulu
about two years ago...i graduated highschool...and headed off to college in NY State - SUNY College at Oneonta....small school...two main groups...the fashion/sorority/fraternity guys and girls and the music people....then there were some random groups here and there who did there own thing...but anyways...I joined the swim team...p.s. HATED it there before swim season started....went home almost every weekend...cried on the phone to my mom...and im not even that emotional..dont cry too much. anyways...swim season started and there is was...it all clicked the reason i was there. i love the sport...i felt like a part of something big...we all became so close..a family...and my Coach...the most amazing woman besides my mom of coarse.
before i knew it...my freshman year of college was coming to a close...and the thought of transfereing elsewhere came to mind...but i didnt have any idea where..and i didnt want to leave my team behind...then while i was home for the last break of the semester before finals...my worst nightmare became a reality...on April 7, 2007 my sister Kaity passed away suddenly without warning while she was at school, at Rutgers. Lets just stop that part of the story there maybe i will share more later...
lately...a little over a year later...i still cant believe it sometimes...change is so hard...
My best friend Annebelle jsut moved to Costa Rica in January...i have seen her once since then and talked to her on the phone only a few times....this past year has been so up and down and i feel like ive been just spinning forever...
(sorry that was a little detour) Anyways...i went to Oneonta for the Fall semester of 2007. I couldnt focus on work...didnt want to really do anything...I was recently saved and given my life to Jesus Christ and i jsut didnt feel like going to this school was Gods path for me. it didnt feel right...i couldnt see a future...i couldnt see myself doing anything at all...so i decided to transfer schools and God led me to Liberty University...where i met some of the most amazing people in my life right now. Justin, James, Kelly, Lauren...to name a few. and one of my best friends i have known since middle school, Perry, goes to Liberty as well...he made the transition so amazing and easy...it was only my first semester and i felt right at home..it took a little getting used to and learning to deal with the crazy rules...but its so worth it. God is so amazing how he shows you the path he wants you to take. Ive learned so much about Him and myself in about 5 months...its mind boggling to me.
but the semester had to come at some point....tear...James and Justin went back to WV, Perry and i to good ol New Jersey...(Sidenote: i miss you guys soooo much....i feel really ridiculous saying...i miss you so much it hurts sometimes..but yanno what...go ahead and make fun...lol...you guys are definitly one of the best things God has put in front of me. i hope you know that and never forget it.) After coming home suddenly i feel...not soo much lost....but really numb. Although....i have one the most amazing friends, Becky, who has been there for me always and she is so amazing to tlak to and her family...wow i dont know what i would do without her... but i still cant shake this empty feeling...I cant seem to be excited about things i used to be...i was in church sunday and i just felt so disconnected and it really made me upset...because i never want to put God aside, and be disinterested in Him...its jsut so many changes at once...and my heart needs to catch up...
i used to talk to my sister about everything...we would stay up late and talk for hours about everything and nothing at all..i guess that is the biggest change...and i guess i keep a lot inside now that i dont really have anyone to share it with...i hope maybe this writing stuff down will help...
sorry this is soo long...but thanks for listening...
With Love
Lulu
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